The Hamburglar has Escaped!
by Edgar McMuffin - McDonaldland Associated Press
April 1st, 2005
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
For years there has been suspicion surrounding McDonaldland's resident thief, the Hamburglar. The locals have feared that his obsession for all-beef patties and special sauce would one day escalate to foods beyond the scope of McDonaldland's agricultural stock. Those fears were realized on March 31st when the Hamburglar, yet again, slipped out of the McDonaldland jail.
The cause for sudden alarm stems from several sources, and the controversial theories of The Professor are fueling the panic. Last year the Professor published a newsletter which was handed out across the land warning of 'bizarre and erratic behavior' observed while watching the Hamburglar over the past few years. His theories addressed the addiction to hamburgers - what the Professor called a 'gateway food' that over the years has progressed to encompass more intense burgers. What started out as plain old hamburger thievery became cheeseburgers, then Big Macs, then Double Quarter Pounders, etc. The newsletter ended with a solemn warning that one day 'all of the burgers, apple pies, and soft drinks will no longer feed his addiction - and he will pursue harder substances.'
Authorities have exhaustively searched the entire land but have yet to turn up any leads. Although the Hamburglar escapes every few weeks, officials are worried this time because an indecipherable note was left in his cell. A crudely written letter was found by officer Big Mac that simply had the words 'Robble Robble Robble' inscribed on it. Officer Big Mac has been under high scrutiny in recent years as the Hamburglar seems to be escaping more often. When asked for comment, Big Mac had this to say, "He's outsmarting us at every turn. We continually write to Corporate McDonalds asking for funding to purchase a cell that actually locks, only to be shut down each and every time. Until we can prove how this is directly profitable to increasing shareholder stock, I think we're in for an indefinite wait."
McDonaldland locals have mixed feelings about the Hamburglar's hiatus. Resident Mac Tonight, for one, is glad to see him gone. "At least once a month for the past year I've found that damn little troll plucking away at my Hamburger Patch. It gets tiresome having to constantly chase him off with a broom."
He is not alone in feeling that way.
"If he ever comes close to my Egg McMuffin again I swear I'll cry rape!" resident female Birdie had to say. Even the village idiot Grimace doesn't seem to be upset about the missing Hamburglar. "I don't like Ham-blug-lars! But I like purple because it nice."
The McDonaldland press tried to get a comment from the Apple Pie Tree, but was unable to get an opinion. The tree has become quite weak from the Hamburglar's rampant plucking sprees and in the last decade has produced less and less pies each year due to the damage. In fact, any pies the tree manages to produce are shipped directly to Ronald McDonald for consumption. The rest of the residents have to eat imitation Apple Pies produced by Hostess that are shipped weekly to McDonaldland. In 1997 the band of militia Fry Guys known as 'Fries for a Better Future', began guarding the Tree night and day to save it from extinction.
Ronald McDonald is currently absent from the scene, as he in the middle of a world tour visiting McDonald's restaurants. Ronald goes on these trips quite often to entertain the children of the world with personal greetings and magic tricks, and to spread awareness about his charitable cause 'The Ronald McDonald House'. During this dire time, however, his absence in McDonaldland is being felt ten-fold.
"I really wish that Ronald was here with his magic - we could truly use his help," Mayor McCheese had to say. The Mayor has been fielding questions since the escape and has vowed to bring the Hamburglar back to justice. "We're searching high and low, we've checked the Castle, staked out the Golden Arches Bridge, and halted all travel on the McDonaldland Railway. If he's still hiding here, we'll find him." But the fear is that he's not here - that he's moved on to terrorize the residents of another realm. At press time, Mayor McCheese has begun negations with Captain Crook - another local criminal and often co-conspirator of Hamburglar crimes.
"So far he's being very cooperative with us. In exchange for any information he can provide us with, we're willing to succeed ownership of the Fillet-O-Fish lake. It has never been our policy to negotiate with criminals, but under these circumstances, we have little choice."
Yet the question of the Hamburglar's whereabouts is still a mystery. The manifesto letter left in his cell is still too ambiguous to properly decipher. "We have people working around the clock trying to translate his note," claims McCheese, "but where he's at or headed we can't be certain. Is he after pizza? International pancakes? Chicken fried in the land of Kentucky? That's the trouble, we just... we just don't know."
